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North Korea Nuclear Test Prompts Dire Warning

South Korea reports North Korea has conducted yet another nuclear test. Officials are warning residents to seek help immediately if skin radiates abnormally like this:

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Trump Responds to Backlash Over Tweet About Dwyane Wade’s Cousin

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People saying I exploited the death of Dwyane Wade’s cousin are PATHETIC,” says Trump. “To prove how much I care, I’ll be at the funeral passing out my hats!”

Trump Threatens to Sue Over Hillary’s Latest Speech

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In response to Hillary Clinton’s blistering speech yesterday, Donald Trump made this statement: “I’m gonna sue Crooked Hillary for plagiarizing me! Those racist things she mentioned were lifted directly from MY speeches!”

Happy National Dog Day!

In celebration of the holiday, here’s an adorable picture of Trump with his lapdog…

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BREAKING: Trump Announces He Will Prove Competence to World Leaders by Delivering Slinkys to Italy Earthquake Victims

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“These things’ll climb right down the piles of rubble!” Trump crowed before quickly returning to his private jet and Tweeting “Hillary’s too tired to pass out metal toys to earthquake victims in Belgium… Italy?…wherever. Sad! #WheresHillary”