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kanye-west-toastA week-old toasted cheese bears the divine image of rapper Kanye West, claims Kanye West.

West says he noticed the miraculous sight burned into a discarded sandwich about to be eaten by a hungry member of Mark Wahlberg’s old backup band, “The Funky Bunch.”

“I was checking out this broke dude pulling food out of a bin on 50th and Broadway, and then I saw my beautiful face looking back at me,” he said.

Smitten with his Velveeta cheese-filled visage, West seized the sandwich out of the famished man’s hands immediately.

“The Holy Kan-wich is gonna be bigger than the Jesus cider and Virgin Mary chocolate drippings combined,” he boasted.

The item has inspired the rap artist to officially lobby for his inclusion in the Bible, as well as sell dozens of spin-off items, including replica burnt toast paper weights, T-shirts, ornamental plates, and domain names such as EvenGodDontGotNoSandwich.com.

Which is which?  We can't tell.
Which is which? We can’t tell.

Owen Wilson has declared July “Owen Wilson Awareness Month” to combat his longtime battle with people mistaking him for daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres.

The Marley & Me actor decided to take action after years of confusion and disappointment from ardent DeGeneres fans. Wilson said he is approached at least 10-20 times a day by passersby who firmly believe he is the Emmy-winning host.

“These housewives ask me to do all sorts of crazy things,” Wilson remarked in his trademark drawl. “Even after I tell them who I am, they demand I dance with them and want me to give their best to Portia. I feel like I’m really letting them down, you know?”

The encounters also led to a bruised ego for Wilson, who turned to therapy to help him cope with his significantly lowered self-esteem. When psychiatric guidance proved to be an ineffective antidote for the man who had always prided himself on being nicknamed “The Butterscotch Stallion,” Wilson considered taking more drastic measures.

“One night, I clenched a bottle of Clairol’s Nice ‘n Easy Dark Brown 131 in my hand and almost pulled the trigger,” recalled Wilson. Thank God I caught sight of the moonlight bouncing off my golden locks in the mirror before I soiled them. It was then I knew I needed to find another way to fight this madness.”

The result: Owen Wilson Awareness Month, which kicks off this month. Part of the aim of Owen Wilson Awareness Month is to recognize Wilson’s significant contributions to cinema, including his perfected take on the role of “Laid-Back Rascally Dude.” The Month will, of course, also highlight the differences between him and DeGeneres with an ambitious print and television advertising campaign underscoring Wilson’s bushier eyebrows and DeGeneres’ straighter nose.

A fat-shaming shrine appeared in New York Magazine’s slideshow featuring pictures of Lilly Pulitzer’s headquarters and, well, people aren’t thrilled about it:

Lilly Pulitzer Fat Shaming Wall TheJest

Huh. Prominently displayed in an employee’s cubicle, the cartoons show overweight women with the captions, “Just another day of fat, white and hideous… you should probably just kill yourself” and the equally inspiring “Put it down, carb-face!” A Lilly Pulitzer spokeswoman defended the company by pointing out the drawings belonged to a lone employee. Oh, phew! That’s cool. Carry on, lone employee — feel free to keep sticking those pins in your Melissa McCarthy voodoo doll at the next office Happy Hour! And in further defense of the company — which, on a COMPLETELY unrelated note, doesn’t carry any sizes bigger than 14 in stores — I have hunted down the standard Lilly Pulitzer job application and can confirm their workplace is, indeed, completely void of weight-based bias:

mike-huckabee-josh-duggar

Okay, sure, Josh Duggar admitted that he molested multiple underage girls — including his own sisters — and his parents didn’t go to the authorities until the statute of limitations had out, but presidential hopeful and apparent pedophile advocate Mike Huckabee wants us to leave the poor guy alone!  I mean, gosh, as Huckabee said on Facebook:

“Good people make mistakes.”

Killing five people makes you a serial killer, but molesting five girls?  A “mistake.”

Lest you think Huckabeee is dismissing CHILD MOLESTATION as being on the same level as writing the wrong name on somebody’s coffee cup simply because the Duggars have vigorously campaigned for him, it turns out that Huckabee has a history of leniency with famous “mistake makers”:

HUCKABEE-DAHMER

Some people may be wondering where Hillary Clinton stands on the Trans-Pacific Partnership, but the question on EVERYBODY’S minds is…

WHAT IS THE STATE OF HILLARY’S HAIR TODAY?

hillary-clinton-may-19-2015
Speaking to small business owners in Cedar Falls, Iowa

ANALYSIS: Clean. Highlighted. Brushed back.

THREAT OF HAIRBAND APPEARANCE: Guarded

THREAT-OF-HAIRBAND-APPEARANCE-METER-HILLARY-candykirby