If Neanderthal Moms Could Have Tweeted About Their Daily Lives

Saturday, January 11, 2014 0 No tags 0

Because my mind works in warped mysterious ways, I can’t help but imagine what Neanderthal moms would say if they‘d had access to social media tools back in their Ice Age days. You know, prehistoric mommy bloggers. Here, I take a stab at what Neanderthal Moms may have Tweeted…

 

Top 10 Best Things About Having Your Vagina Haunted by a Ghost

Friday, January 10, 2014 0 , 0

Singer Ke$ha recently revealed that her vagina had been haunted by a horny ghost, which prompted her to seek a vaginal ghost exorcism. I know what you’re thinking and I couldn’t agree more: How AMAZING would it be to have a haunted vagina? And why on earth would you ever want to exorcise it? As this list proves, Ke$ha obviously didn’t realize what a good thing she had goin’ on. Here are the…

Top 10 Best Things About a Ghost Haunting Your Vagina

#10 – They don’t call ‘em SUPERnatural for nothing. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

#9 – Well, you know the saying: “Once you go poltergeist, you’ll forever be enticed.”

#8 - You can boast that J.Lo isn’t the only one gettin’ it on with a Casper.

#7 – They bring their own shackles.

#6 – A dead soul that’s been roaming the Earth for centuries tends to be less judgmental about a missed bikini wax.

#5 – They’re known for getting between the sheets.

#4 – If all goes well, you’ll get to utter a famous Ghostbusters phrase: “HE SLIMED ME!”

#3 – Ghosts like screamers.

#2 – Only a matter of time until you and your new friend are starring in the reality show, Ghostlusters.

#1 – I hear the orgasms are phantasmic.

10 Responses to Strangers Who Think It’s Perfectly Acceptable to Grind Your Behind at Nightclubs

Friday, May 24, 2013 0 No tags 0

If there is anything I have learned from my time spent at nightclubs, it’s that you should never attempt to identify any foreign substances stuck to your shoes. Ignorance truly is bliss. Also: there is a subset of club-goers, typically of the male persuasion, who think it is perfectly acceptable to approach a dancing woman from the rear – having never exchanged so much as a word or a glance with her – and grind his genitals into her buttocks region. Yes! It’s true! Eschewing the more traditional “Hello,” these men introduce themselves with a dry hump. Well, hello there, indeed.

And if there is anything I have learned from my time spent listening to hip-hop, it’s that we can blame Shawty for popularizing this phenomenon – as she ALWAYS seems to be hitting the floor (she hit the floor) in dem Apple Bottoms jeans and the boots with the fur, going low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low and just generally deluding men into believing this is acceptable behavior.

As charming as it may be, not all of us ladies swoon when a stranger dry humps our behind. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still have some fun with it. Which is why I offer this list of wacky comebacks:

10. “Hey, while you’re back there, can you tell me: Do those chicken tikka appetizers in my pants make my butt look big?”

9. (WITHOUT TURNING AROUND) “Cousin Leon? Is that you?”

8. “I think we should just be Facebook friends. You’ll be excited to know I use my cat as my profile picture, post all of my quiz results and have a TON of games to invite you to…”

7.  “Good news:  I met my last three husbands this way.”

6.   (MURMURED WHILE GENITALS ARE IMPLANTED IN BUTTOCKS REGION) “It’s sweet you don’t mind a girl with active hemorrhoids.”

4.  “Wow!  Look at you!  You and my dad could totally be twins.”

3.  “Question for you:  Can you tell I’m a female impersonator?”

2.  “If I wanted to back into that, sir, I would beep first.  Like this:  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!”  (Pro tip:  For maximum effect, gesticulate wildly and widen eyes to point of complete insanity.)

1.  “I know it’s hard to tell in the dark, but these are not, in fact, Apple Bottom jeans.  My boots?  Fur-less.  So…you get nothing!  You lose!  Good day, sir.”

Originally written for Zooey Deschanel’s humor site for women, HelloGiggles

Gov. Chris Christie Secretly Had Weight-Loss Surgery

Tuesday, May 7, 2013 0 0

chris-christie

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie secretly underwent gastric band surgery in February to try to lose weight at the urging of his family, his spokesman told The Associated Press on Tuesday.

Pundits say this could be an unwise career move, as the lap-band will make it difficult to digest large amounts of political bullsh*t.