News
LIVE: JARED KUSHNER RETURNS TO THE STATES FROM IRAQ
Apr 6, 2017
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News in Pictures
That Sinking Feeling When You Realize You’re Not Going to the Afternoon Tea Pooch Party in the Hamptons
Apr 6, 2017
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“If I’d known,” thought Jared, “I would have worn my Tom Ford aviators instead.”

Self-Help Tips
How to Dress for the Job You Made Up So Your Parents Would Leave You Alone
Apr 5, 2017
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The key is not overselling it

“Dress not for the job you have, but the one you want” practically sounds like a bible verse at this point. But what about the verse where you fabricate a “social media specialist” job because your parents just can’t understand your fashion Instagram account is on the cusp of landing a major sponsor who will pay you in free socks and you’re tired of hearing them yammer about getting a “real” (translation: BORING) job that actually pays the bills? It’s an important verse that gets lost all too often–which is why I’m here to help you dress for the job you made up so your parents will finally leave you alone.

Don’t Oversell It

If you start dressing in fancy suits all the time, your parents are going to suspect you’re a big, fat liar. This is a fabricated social media position–not Wall Street! Pair a silk floral blouse with dark-wash jeans. Or a nice t-shirt with a pencil skirt. Something that says “I am dutifully employed, but I’m not sure if this job is leading anywhere, especially because I made it up.”

It’s All in the Details

Don’t be afraid to dribble a little coffee on your blouse to indicate you’ve had your share of harried mornings. Skip the concealer to make it look like you’ve been spending some late nights at the office. Tell your parents you grabbed those new earrings on your “business trip to San Francisco.” Before you know it, your parents will be eating their criticism and praising you for all of your fake hard work.

Don’t Brag About How Good You Look

Even if you’ve never looked more employed in your life, you want to let your parents to be the ones to tell you so. If you’re lucky, your parents will even give you some extra spending money for your pretend office wardrobe–and, eventually, you’ll discover you’ve dressed, spilled and lied your way up the ladder to earning your parents’ respect with nary an ounce of actual work. Which is all any child wants from her mom and dad, really.

Smells Like
What I Think He Smells Like: Speaker Paul Ryan
Apr 5, 2017
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Oh my… what a big buck you have!

  • That buck’s tears
  • The aftermath of 50 push-ups he just did on the House floor for no particular reason
  • The crow that America made him eat
  • Drakkar Noir
  • The lady parts of American women after being all up in their wombs

 

Breaking Cat News
5 Cat Puns Your Cat Really Hates
Apr 5, 2017
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So you are a cat lover who is a different breed all together — the kind who searches for the perfect feline-inspired pun to liven up their exchanges. But did you know your cat thinks you sound ridiculous? Read on to see how your cat is slowly dying on the inside for you.

1. Clawful 

You: “Oh, Oliver, that poop stuck on your butt looks just clawful!”

Your cat:

“No.”

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Politics
LIVE FEED OF TRUMP DRIVING AMERICA OFF A CLIFF
Mar 23, 2017
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