Bill O’Reilly Out at FOX News After Just 14 Sexual Harassment Claims, $13 Million in Settlements and Two Decades of Angry Garbage

Hush, little Billy, don’t say a word
Time to hit the road ’cause women don’t want to see your li’l bird

Despite FOX News’ best efforts to sweep Bill O’Reilly’s disgusting behavior under the rug with piles and piles of hush money, the network has finally caved to pressure to fire the Murdochs’ pet pundit.

“After a thorough and careful review of the [sexual harassment] allegations,” parent company 21st Century Fox said in a statement, “the company and Bill O’Reilly have agreed that Bill O’Reilly will not be returning to the Fox News Channel.”

And by “review of the allegations,” they of course mean “review of the bottom line,” with advertisers dropping out of the sexual predator’s show in droves.

But don’t cry for Billy! He can always find work officiating the weddings between people and goats that he claimed would happen after same-sex marriage was legalized.

Waiting to marry his husband, whom he met on GoatGrindr.com

And with his history of sexual harassment, he’ll be well-positioned to run for president in 2024. Like Lazarus and John Travolta’s hair, He will be raised from the dead!

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Candy

Candy Kirby is a "smug white liberal," according to a conservative blog that gets her, and comedy writer who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. Prior to launching her own site, Candy was a humor writer for outlets such as Reductress, Redbook, HelloGiggles, Disney and Nickelodeon. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two munchkins and three rescue Persian cats, Lucy, Larry and Lola, who are the real brains behind this operation. (So send all complaints to them.)