BREAKING: Trump Announces He Will Prove Competence to World Leaders by Delivering Slinkys to Italy Earthquake Victims

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“These things’ll climb right down the piles of rubble!” Trump crowed before quickly returning to his private jet and Tweeting “Hillary’s too tired to pass out metal toys to earthquake victims in Belgium… Italy?…wherever. Sad! #WheresHillary”

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Candy

Candy Kirby is a "smug white liberal," according to a conservative blog that gets her, and comedy writer who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. Prior to launching her own site, Candy was a humor writer for outlets such as Reductress, Redbook, HelloGiggles, Disney and Nickelodeon. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two munchkins and three rescue Persian cats, Lucy, Larry and Lola, who are the real brains behind this operation. (So send all complaints to them.)