Category - International News

Swimsuit Options for Muslim Women That Are More Hygienic Than the Burkini — and Totes Adorable!

Liberté, égalité, fraternité, jk.

Whenever I travel to other countries, I take measures to keep myself safe from possible foreign diseases. That’s why I never drink the water in Mexico until I forget ice cubes are made out of water, always avoid the David Hasselhoff album section in Germany, and ask my doctor about vaccinations to protect myself from burkini-borne filth in the Mediterranean Sea. Yes! SUCH FILTH. So imagine my relief when I heard multiple cities in France are outlawing the burkini — which, if you don’t know, is a full-covering bathing suit worn by some Muslim women who have the gall to try to assimilate with Western culture by venturing onto the beach in their own modest way.

 
Ugh! I need to pop some Airbone tablets just looking at this thing.

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U.S. Lost Track of Terrorists After Snowden, Has No Idea Where to Send Their Holiday Cards Now

Terrorists-Holiday-Cards2

So after Edward Snowden ripped the cover off top-secret U.S. surveillance programs, foreign terrorists disappeared underground and out of intelligence services’ reach, reveals Matt Olsen, who until July led the National Counterterrorism Center.

So now where are we supposed to send their holiday cards? The terrorists are REALLY going to go on a tear when they miss my annual update about the family’s vacation in Ojai and how my son almost scored a goal in soccer practice.

“We’ve lost collection against some individuals, people that we were concerned about we are no longer collecting their communications,” Olsen told CNN’s Jim Sciutto. “We lost insight into what they were doing.”

Olsen said the revelations made public by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden had changed the way terrorists communicate, causing them to fall out of the U.S. government’s sight. Oops!

“They’ve changed how they encrypt their communications and adopted more stringent encryption techniques,” he said. “They’ve changed service providers and email addresses and they’ve, in some cases, just dropped off all together.”

Perhaps the U.S. needs to check out places and modes of communication where we NEVER think to look, like…

  • MySpace
  • terrorists@aol.com
  • My grandma’s rotary phone (she would let them inside as long as they listened to her talk about the contents of her day’s meals for an hour)
  • Detroit
  • The pantry (seriously, my kids NEVER think to look in there when we play Hide-N-Seek, even though that’s where I hide EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.)

YOU’RE WELCOME, National Counterterrorism Center!