I think Trump and Putin can officially change their Facebook statuses to “In a relationship.”
“My, what big arms you have…”
It’s the stuff that romantic comedies are made of. Boy becomes infatuated with brutal leader of hostile foreign government. Boy has dimwitted son meet with brutal leader’s people to chat about the weather and collusion. Boy encourages brutal leader to hack opponent and undermine our democracy. Boy meets brutal leader and feels up his triceps. Boy meets with brutal leader again in secret. Boy makes brutal leader’s wishes come true by ending the CIA’s covert program to arm and train moderate Syrian rebels battling the government of Bashar al-Assad, a move long sought by Russia and called a “win” for Putin by current officials.
Of course, this move, which seemingly undermines American security, raises even more questions about what was discussed in the second Trump-Putin private meeting at the G20. Perhaps Putin was showing Trump this?
RELATED: A Beautiful LOVE ACTUALLY Remake Starring Trump and Putin
Oh no, you di-in’t, Delta.
In what was CLEARLY a cold and calculated attack on one of our country’s dearest and most kind-hearted pundits, Delta Airlines had the audacity to move Ann Coulter from an aisle seat to a — wait for it… wait for it… — WINDOW SEAT.
HORRIBLE. How can any passenger be expected to live this way, gazing upon the clouds in the very same row that she’d wanted? Thankfully, Ms. Coulter handled the injustice with her usual grace and sensitivity.
How brave! How honest! Donald Trump, Jr. writes:
“To everyone, in order to be totally transparent, I am releasing the selfie taken at the June 9 meeting. I first wanted to just deny everything and turn it on the fake news media because we Trumps are entitled sons-of-bitches who don’t know how to take responsibility for anything, but when that didn’t work out, I thought I’d release evidence of our collusion with Russia, piece by piece, upon being told the fake media was about to publish it. COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY.”
Well, the unimaginable has happened: Trump has even managed to make me feel sorry for Sean Spicer.
Poor Spicey. He stands in front of the press day after day, defending Trump’s wackadoodle conspiracy theories and 3AM Tweets and likely illegals acts, and how does Trump repay him? By denying him the chance to meet the pope. 🙁
The White House spokesman is a devout Catholic and has reportedly become upset that he wasn’t included in a meeting with Pope Francis.
“Wow. That’s all he wanted,” a source told CNN. adding it should “very much” be seen as a slight.
They claim the decision to not invite Spicey to the delegation meeting the Holy Father was a result of strict Vatican limits on the number of people who could attend. So Trump “only” invited…
-Secretary of State Rex Tillerson
-National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster
-Former bodyguard Keith Schiller
-Social media adviser Dan Scavino
-Communications adviser Hope Hicks
-White House shoe shiner Joe Williams
-Some guy they found selling “Pray with Me Bro” shirts outside the Vatican
Ouch. Tough luck, Spicey. But only TRULY holy people get to meet with the pope.
When Trump isn’t calling on Rudy Giuliani to do his best Pokémon Golbat impression for his grandchildren and weekend Mar-a-Lago events…
… he has him doing his other dirty work, such as drafting memos to make his Muslim ban appear legal and spewing hateful nonsense on news shows to make Trump look like slightly less of a wackadoodle in comparison. Giuls told Fox News in January:
“So when [Trump] first announced it, he said, ‘Muslim ban.’ He called me up. He said, ‘Put a commission together. Show me the right way to do it legally.’ “
Well, this caught the attention of a federal judge in Michigan, who this week ordered the Trump administration to turn over communications from Giuls and other advisers on Trump’s not-a-Muslim-ban-Muslim-ban. Those suing over the matter hope the documents will bolster their bid to prove the ban was motivated by animus toward Muslims.
As it just so happens, I have a peek at the memo advising Trump on how to draft the executive order:
Potentially bad news for us diet soda-holics: Gulping down an artificially sweetened beverage may not be so great for our brain, a new study suggests.
Showering in it, however, is fine
Artificially sweetened drinks, such as diet sodas, were tied to a higher risk of stroke and dementia in the study, which was published in the American Heart Association’s journal Stroke. Before you toss your Splendas to the curb, however, it’s important to note the study sheds light only on an association; the researchers were unable to determine an actual cause-and-effect relationship between sipping artificially sweetened drinks and any actual damage to the brain. So, you know, let’s not jump to any con —
Awwww, hell no. No more diet soda for me. CANDY OUT.
U.S. Representative and lovechild of Colin Hanks and Chuck E. Cheese, Jason Chaffetz, had no sooner announced that he wasn’t running for re-election in 2018, when he declared he may not even finish out his current term in Congress.
“I will continue to weigh the options, but I may depart early,” Chaffetz, who chairs the House’s powerful oversight committee, reportedly told Utah’s KSL Newsradio host Doug Wright. “The state needs to figure out how this works.”
Which begs the question: What is Chaffetz running from? Blackmail by Russia? Extramarital affair? Paul Ryan incessantly inviting him to “check out his gun show?” To be continued…
Last week, President Donald Tump beat on his chest and boasted that he had sent an “armada” as a warning to North Korea,
Dramatic reenactment actor
But wait…! Turns out, the aircraft carrier strike group he spoke of was still far from the Korean peninsula, and headed in the opposite direction — toward Australia. (Not surprising, actually, given how Trump feels about Australia.)
The armada was actually making a pit stop for shrimp on the barbie first
Although the strike group is now “proceeding to the Western Pacific as ordered,” Trump’s mix-up du jour has raised eyebrows among Korea experts, who wonder whether it erodes the Trump administration’s credibility (what little it had) at a time when U.S. rhetoric about the North’s advancing nuclear and missile capabilities are raising concerns about a potential conflict.
In other words, they think our president is a moron. And, for perhaps the first time ever, North Korea is not wrong.
“If you threaten [North Korea] and your threat is not credible, it’s only going to undermine whatever your policy toward them is. And that could be a logical conclusion from what’s just happened,” said North Korea expert Joel Wit at the 38 North monitoring group, run by Johns Hopkins University’s School of Advanced International Studies.
Pssshhh. Sounds like Kellyanne Conway needs to educate North Korea on the totally credible concept of ALTERNATIVE FACTS.
In a move that makes it clear why the White House has stopped making their visitor log public, inventor of the word “refudiate,” Sarah Palin, serial assaulter Kid Rock, and gun f*cker Ted Nugent visited Donald Trump at the White House yesterday.
“President Trump’s invitation for dinner included bringing a couple of friends,” Palin wrote on her web page, which displays a series of behind-the-scenes snapshots with Trump, who hasn’t grinned this much since he won musical chairs the Children’s Hospital. And, as touching as those photos are, I felt something was… missing… and I finally put my finger on it: MAMA JUNE. So I Photoshopped Mama June into the pics and, not surprisingly, she makes everything right again!
Mama June and the Gang in the Oval Office.
Guests demanded they “Make America Great Again,” presumably by deporting the Easter Bunny, who was born in Germany and did not have a Green Card in his basket.
Donald Trump, Jr., apparently ready to star in Arthur Fonzarelli Takes Cancun, posted this oh-so-biting photo of himself wearing a green “VERY FAKE NEWS” t-shirt for the benefit of the mainstream media and Trump haters. Ooohhh! Good one, Donny #2 (how ’bout I just call you #2?). Thank goodness your dad failed miserably in repealing Obamacare, so my insurance will cover the prescription ointment for that sick burn.
As usual, the Internet stood prepared with an arsenal of comebacks.