Trump Visits the Western Wall — What Did His Note Say?

President Trump visited Jerusalem’s Western Wall today, placing his hand on Judaism’s holiest prayer site and posting a note into the wall, as many worshippers do with prayers and supplications. Here’s a look at what our holy, oh-so-religious president wrote:

Ivanka and Melania Trump were relegated to visiting the smaller “women’s section” of the wall, which onlookers noted was more size-appropriate for Donald’s hands. As it just so happens, we saw what Melania and Ivanka wrote in their notes, too.

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Judge to Trump: Share the Travel Ban Memo Giuliani Gave to You

When Trump isn’t calling on Rudy Giuliani to do his best Pokémon Golbat impression for his grandchildren and weekend Mar-a-Lago events…

… he has him doing his other dirty work, such as drafting memos to make his Muslim ban appear legal and spewing hateful nonsense on news shows to make Trump look like slightly less of a wackadoodle in comparison. Giuls told Fox News in January:

“So when [Trump] first announced it, he said, ‘Muslim ban.’ He called me up. He said, ‘Put a commission together. Show me the right way to do it legally.’ “

Well, this caught the attention of a federal judge in Michigan, who this week ordered the Trump administration to turn over communications from Giuls and other advisers on Trump’s not-a-Muslim-ban-Muslim-ban. Those suing over the matter hope the documents will bolster their bid to prove the ban was motivated by animus toward Muslims.

As it just so happens, I have a peek at the memo advising Trump on how to draft the executive order:

He Scoots in Shame

A poem dedicated to Congressman Jason Chaffetz

Foot is fixed! My preexisting condition, they did repair

Now I gotta scoot to push Trumpcare.

Disabled kids? Screwed. Raped? Too bad.

I’d rather help the prez elected by Vlad.

Diet Sodas May Be Tied to Stroke, Dementia, Fright-Inducing Headlines

Potentially bad news for us diet soda-holics: Gulping down an artificially sweetened beverage may not be so great for our brain, a new study suggests.


Showering in it, however, is fine

Artificially sweetened drinks, such as diet sodas, were tied to a higher risk of stroke and dementia in the study, which was published in the American Heart Association’s journal Stroke. Before you toss your Splendas to the curb, however, it’s important to note the study sheds light only on an association; the researchers were unable to determine an actual cause-and-effect relationship between sipping artificially sweetened drinks and any actual damage to the brain. So, you know, let’s not jump to any con —

 

Awwww, hell no. No more diet soda for me. CANDY OUT.

Things That Make You Go “Hmmm”: Jason Chaffetz Announces He May Bolt Congress Early

U.S. Representative and lovechild of Colin Hanks and Chuck E. Cheese, Jason Chaffetz, had no sooner announced that he wasn’t running for re-election in 2018, when he declared he may not even finish out his current term in Congress.

“I will continue to weigh the options, but I may depart early,” Chaffetz, who chairs the House’s powerful oversight committee, reportedly told Utah’s KSL Newsradio host Doug Wright. “The state needs to figure out how this works.”

 

Which begs the question: What is Chaffetz running from? Blackmail by Russia? Extramarital affair? Paul Ryan incessantly inviting him to “check out his gun show?” To be continued…

Trump on Sending His ‘Armada’ to North Korea: Psych!

Last week, President Donald Tump beat on his chest and boasted that he had sent an “armada” as a warning to North Korea,

Dramatic reenactment actor

But wait…! Turns out, the aircraft carrier strike group he spoke of was still far from the Korean peninsula, and headed in the opposite direction — toward Australia. (Not surprising, actually, given how Trump feels about Australia.)

The armada was actually making a pit stop for shrimp on the barbie first

Although the strike group is now “proceeding to the Western Pacific as ordered,” Trump’s mix-up du jour has raised eyebrows among Korea experts, who wonder whether it erodes the Trump administration’s credibility (what little it had) at a time when U.S. rhetoric about the North’s advancing nuclear and missile capabilities are raising concerns about a potential conflict.

In other words, they think our president is a moron. And, for perhaps the first time ever, North Korea is not wrong.

“If you threaten [North Korea] and your threat is not credible, it’s only going to undermine whatever your policy toward them is. And that could be a logical conclusion from what’s just happened,” said North Korea expert Joel Wit at the 38 North monitoring group, run by Johns Hopkins University’s School of Advanced International Studies.

Pssshhh. Sounds like Kellyanne Conway needs to educate North Korea on the totally credible concept of ALTERNATIVE FACTS.

So Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent and Kid Rock Walk into the White House…

In a move that makes it clear why the White House has stopped making their visitor log public, inventor of the word “refudiate,” Sarah Palin, serial assaulter Kid Rock, and gun f*cker Ted Nugent visited Donald Trump at the White House yesterday.

“President Trump’s invitation for dinner included bringing a couple of friends,” Palin wrote on her web page, which displays a series of behind-the-scenes snapshots with Trump, who hasn’t grinned this much since he won musical chairs the Children’s Hospital. And, as touching as those photos are, I felt something was… missing… and I finally put my finger on it: MAMA JUNE. So I Photoshopped Mama June into the pics and, not surprisingly, she makes everything right again!

Mama June and the Gang in the Oval Office.

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Bill O’Reilly Out at FOX News After Just 14 Sexual Harassment Claims, $13 Million in Settlements and Two Decades of Angry Garbage

Hush, little Billy, don’t say a word
Time to hit the road ’cause women don’t want to see your li’l bird

Despite FOX News’ best efforts to sweep Bill O’Reilly’s disgusting behavior under the rug with piles and piles of hush money, the network has finally caved to pressure to fire the Murdochs’ pet pundit.

“After a thorough and careful review of the [sexual harassment] allegations,” parent company 21st Century Fox said in a statement, “the company and Bill O’Reilly have agreed that Bill O’Reilly will not be returning to the Fox News Channel.”

And by “review of the allegations,” they of course mean “review of the bottom line,” with advertisers dropping out of the sexual predator’s show in droves.

But don’t cry for Billy! He can always find work officiating the weddings between people and goats that he claimed would happen after same-sex marriage was legalized.

Waiting to marry his husband, whom he met on GoatGrindr.com

And with his history of sexual harassment, he’ll be well-positioned to run for president in 2024. Like Lazarus and John Travolta’s hair, He will be raised from the dead!

I Totally Knew Serena Williams Was Pregnant During the Australian Open

Twenty-three-time Grand Slam winner, Serena Williams, has revealed on Snapchat that she is expecting her first baby with fiancé and Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian.

Looks like somebody scored, all right!

In fact, she is 20 weeks pregnant, which means she won the Australian Open while pregnant and didn’t drop a single set. BOOM. Although people seem to be surprised by this news, this eagle-eyed writer and mom had already spotted some very obvious signs of her pregnancy.

6 Signs Serena Williams Was Pregnant During the Australian Open

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