Donald Trump, Jr., apparently ready to star in Arthur Fonzarelli Takes Cancun, posted this oh-so-biting photo of himself wearing a green “VERY FAKE NEWS” t-shirt for the benefit of the mainstream media and Trump haters. Ooohhh! Good one, Donny #2 (how ’bout I just call you #2?). Thank goodness your dad failed miserably in repealing Obamacare, so my insurance will cover the prescription ointment for that sick burn.
As usual, the Internet stood prepared with an arsenal of comebacks.
“Dress not for the job you have, but the one you want” practically sounds like a bible verse at this point. But what about the verse where you fabricate a “social media specialist” job because your parents just can’t understand your fashion Instagram account is on the cusp of landing a major sponsor who will pay you in free socks and you’re tired of hearing them yammer about getting a “real” (translation: BORING) job that actually pays the bills? It’s an important verse that gets lost all too often–which is why I’m here to help you dress for the job you made up so your parents will finally leave you alone.
Don’t Oversell It
If you start dressing in fancy suits all the time, your parents are going to suspect you’re a big, fat liar. This is a fabricated social media position–not Wall Street! Pair a silk floral blouse with dark-wash jeans. Or a nice t-shirt with a pencil skirt. Something that says “I am dutifully employed, but I’m not sure if this job is leading anywhere, especially because I made it up.”
It’s All in the Details
Don’t be afraid to dribble a little coffee on your blouse to indicate you’ve had your share of harried mornings. Skip the concealer to make it look like you’ve been spending some late nights at the office. Tell your parents you grabbed those new earrings on your “business trip to San Francisco.” Before you know it, your parents will be eating their criticism and praising you for all of your fake hard work.
Don’t Brag About How Good You Look
Even if you’ve never looked more employed in your life, you want to let your parents to be the ones to tell you so. If you’re lucky, your parents will even give you some extra spending money for your pretend office wardrobe–and, eventually, you’ll discover you’ve dressed, spilled and lied your way up the ladder to earning your parents’ respect with nary an ounce of actual work. Which is all any child wants from her mom and dad, really.
So you are a cat lover who is a different breed all together — the kind who searches for the perfect feline-inspired pun to liven up their exchanges. But did you know your cat thinks you sound ridiculous? Read on to see how your cat is slowly dying on the inside for you.
You: “Oh, Oliver, that poop stuck on your butt looks just clawful!”
March kicks off Women’s History Month, that exciting time of year when we toss the bras, crack open the LucrFetia Mott biographies and honor glass ceiling-shattering women by posting sweet-ass Susan B. Anthony GIFs on Twitter.
Like most commemorative months, however, it’s mostly what you wear that matters. That’s why I’ve tracked down the cutest and most flattering Women’s History Month shirts, so people will notice your feminism–not your love handles!
Check out this adorable “Girl Power” shirt from Zazzle. Not only is black universally flattering, but the upward fist pump draws the eyes away from the extra inches around your waist!
“I bet it’s brand new information to people that President Obama had a six-month ban on the Iraqi refugee program after two Iraqis came here to this country, were radicalized and they were the masterminds behind the Bowling Green massacre. It didn’t get covered.”
As usual, Kellyanne was right–it was brand new information because none of that ever happened. Of course, the elite media POUNCED on the poor woman, citing actual facts based on demonstrable history proving that Obama didn’t ban the Iraqi refugee program and that there was no such thing as the Bowling Green massacre. And who’s to say she wasn’t referring to the massacre that happened on the bowling greens of Mount Dora Lawn Bowling Club in July of 2003?
They CRUSHED the Watertown Nursing Home on the bowling greens that day. Massacred, some would say.
I, for one, am so TIRED of the left pushing “correctness.” Whatever happened to the days when a Muslim-hating, war-mongering administration could make up a “massacre,” then later Tweet a half-assed correction admonishing the media for admonishing her for promulgating fear-inciting lies without being admonished? *Sigh* I miss those days, I really do.
So I tip my felt bucket hat to President Donald J. Trump, who bravely berated the Australian prime minister on a call yesterday, when past presidents were too wimpy to kangaroo-kick our longtime ally for no good reason. It takes a real man, a true patriot like President Trump, to try to weasel out of an agreement to accept 1250 refugees fleeing terror, beat his chest about the size of his electoral college victory (as sizable as his hands!), then hang up faster than Prime Minister Turnbull can say “Maybe the dingo ate your baby.”
Let’s be honest: Australia has a long history of trying to stick us with dangerous exports. Shrimp on the barbie, for example. Kath & Kim. This guy…
Not to mention their actors are always stealing our Hollywood jobs. Step off, Blanchett and Jackman! Somewhere in New Jersey, that third Jonas Brother is wondering why a Hemsworth is getting the roles that should be his. Is this really how we want to treat the third Jonas Brother, America? Okay, sure, Australians are abnormally attractive, fun and talented, but under Trump, we will stand for it no more!
Today’s op-ed from my guest columnist, The Patriot Lady…
Despite Secretary of Education nominee Betsy DeVos’s performance at her confirmation hearing, which was called “horribly embarrassing,” “stunningly bad” and a “TOTAL SH*T SHOW” — and those were the kinder reviews — a Senate committee today voted to advance her nomination. As you can imagine, Trump was pleased — as well he should be! It’s not every day we have the good fortune of appointing unqualified billionaires to help run the country.
Of course those liber-losers are crying about our Education Department being headed up by a woman who doesn’t know the difference between proficiency and growth, believes schools should be armed with guns in the event of a grizzly bear attack, and appeared further at sea during the whole hearing than Magellan ever was; however, if they just bothered to look at the Senate committee’s Secretary of Education criteria checklist, then they’d see DeVos checks off every box!