8 Rejected First Tweets from President Obama

Well, well, well. Look who joined the 21st century today!

POTUS First Tweet

Yes, President Barack Obama is finally stepping foot into where it all happens: Twitter, the Land of Hashtags, Emojis and 30something Men Who Enjoy Declaring Us “FAT LOOSERS!” from the Comfort of Their Parents’ Basements. However, only I — yes, I, bwa-ha-haaaa! — was given a peek at the eight Tweets that didn’t make it onto the official account:

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Entertainment Weekly Names “Most Powerful Babies” — And Your Baby Sucks for Not Being One

Knowing his mother's strength lies in her shiny mane, Prince George chews on it to usurp her power -- AND IT WORKS

Is your baby so powerful that he can chew on the Duchess of Cambridge’s hair? I. DON’T. THINK. SO.

In a world where Boko Haram is kidnapping thousands of women and children and forcing them into sexual slavery and ISIS is recruiting thousands of Americans on social media (job benefits include “office-supplied suicide bombs, eternal martyrdom and 72 virgins, plus a flexible work schedule!”), it is crucial to turn a keen eye to what REALLY matters and ask ourselves:

Who are the most powerful babies in the world?

That’s right — Entertainment Weekly was obviously envious of their sister publication, People, and their investigative pieces digging deep into national matters such as “Who Is the Sexiest Man Alive?” and “Who Are the World’s Most Beautiful People?” and have now thrown their hat into the Pulitzer Prize ring with a list of THE WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL BABIES.

I don’t think I can put it any better than Entertainment Weekly, which eloquently introduces the list by noting:

If the children are our future, these babies will ensure that star power rules long afterthis [SIC] generation literally can’t even anymore.

Like, literally.

Without further ado, here are the power babies, along with how they got on the esteemed list, according to inside sources I will protect to my death (don’t even try bribing me, I cannot reveal my — Oh!  A fun-sized Twix Bar?  Yeah, okay, my cats told me.  NOW HAND OVER THE TWIX!). Read More

Tucker Carlson’s Brother Calls de Blasio Spokeswoman A “LabiaFace” Among Other Sweet Nothings

tucker-and-buckley-carlson

Tucker Carlson and brother Buckley: We mean “LabiaFace” in the “nicest way.” Awwww.

Consider this a public service announcement warning against the dangers of naming your sons “Tucker” and “Buckley.”

Thanks to Daily Caller founder and bow tie devotee Tucker Carlson’s brother, Buckley, accidentally hitting “REPLY ALL” (d’oh!) in response to an e-mail from New York City mayor Bill de Blasio’s spokeswoman, we have learned that:

1) We women need to be especially careful not to use a “whiny and annoying” tone because, according to Tucker, “outside of New York City, adults generally write polite, cheerful emails to one another”;

2) Apparently, “polite, cheerful emails” include calling women a “self-righteous bitch, “LabiaFace” and so frigid that she has never had a “pearl necklace” (and, no, we’re not talking about the kind that June Cleaver clutched); and

3) “LabiaFace” is exponentially less offensive than being called a “Buckley Carlson.”

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6 Signs President Obama Clearly Hates America

Okay, we all know we’ve been thinking it — but it’s taken a brave man, a man who had the courage to stand before 60 conservatives inhaling glazed salmon and declare:

“I do not believe, and I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the president loves America. He doesn’t love you. And he doesn’t love me. He wasn’t brought up the way you were brought up and I was brought up through love of this country.”

That man…? That soldier of truth…? None other than former NYC mayor and Democrat-turned Independent-turned moderate Republican-turned publicity-seeking wackadoodle Rudy Giuliani.

Giuliani speaks at a private group dinner featuring Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker

Giuliani speaks at a private group dinner featuring Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker

I, for one, would like to thank The Giuls for saying what has been on all of our minds. In fact, right off the top of my head, I can come up with six signs Obama clearly hates America:

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U.S. Lost Track of Terrorists After Snowden, Has No Idea Where to Send Their Holiday Cards Now

Terrorists-Holiday-Cards2

So after Edward Snowden ripped the cover off top-secret U.S. surveillance programs, foreign terrorists disappeared underground and out of intelligence services’ reach, reveals Matt Olsen, who until July led the National Counterterrorism Center.

So now where are we supposed to send their holiday cards? The terrorists are REALLY going to go on a tear when they miss my annual update about the family’s vacation in Ojai and how my son almost scored a goal in soccer practice.

“We’ve lost collection against some individuals, people that we were concerned about we are no longer collecting their communications,” Olsen told CNN’s Jim Sciutto. “We lost insight into what they were doing.”

Olsen said the revelations made public by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden had changed the way terrorists communicate, causing them to fall out of the U.S. government’s sight. Oops!

“They’ve changed how they encrypt their communications and adopted more stringent encryption techniques,” he said. “They’ve changed service providers and email addresses and they’ve, in some cases, just dropped off all together.”

Perhaps the U.S. needs to check out places and modes of communication where we NEVER think to look, like…

  • MySpace
  • terrorists@aol.com
  • My grandma’s rotary phone (she would let them inside as long as they listened to her talk about the contents of her day’s meals for an hour)
  • Detroit
  • The pantry (seriously, my kids NEVER think to look in there when we play Hide-N-Seek, even though that’s where I hide EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.)

YOU’RE WELCOME, National Counterterrorism Center!