Swimsuit Options for Muslim Women That Are More Hygienic Than the Burkini — and Totes Adorable!

Liberté, égalité, fraternité, jk.

Whenever I travel to other countries, I take measures to keep myself safe from possible foreign diseases. That’s why I never drink the water in Mexico until I forget ice cubes are made out of water, always avoid the David Hasselhoff album section in Germany, and ask my doctor about vaccinations to protect myself from burkini-borne filth in the Mediterranean Sea. Yes! SUCH FILTH. So imagine my relief when I heard multiple cities in France are outlawing the burkini — which, if you don’t know, is a full-covering bathing suit worn by some Muslim women who have the gall to try to assimilate with Western culture by venturing onto the beach in their own modest way.

Ugh! I need to pop some Airbone tablets just looking at this thing.

I know what you’re thinking and you’re right — they aren’t banning it because they’re Islamophobic. No! No, no, no, no. On the contrary, French officials, who have also imposed a ban on full-face veils since 2004, are banning the burkini because they AREN’T HYGIENIC. Which makes way more sense.

“I was informed that there was a couple on one of our beaches where the wife was swimming fully dressed,” Lionnel Lucca, mayor of Villeneuve-Loubet, told the AFP, “I considered that unacceptable for hygienic reasons and unwelcome given the general situation.”

The “general situation,” of course, being the utmost concern for proper hygiene in a deodorant-optional country where “most would rather splash perfume on themselves than take a daily shower.

I, for one, applaud the French cities willing to take a stand against these aquatic petri dishes. However, I want Muslim women to feel welcome at the beach in a French-approved manner, so I’ve found some suitable swimsuit alternatives for them.


This young lady scuba diving in Marseilles is wearing the wetsuit with hood, which is completely, totally, 100% different than the burkini with hood in that it is not sold in Muslim department stores.


This woman models a bathing suit that certainly gets the French stamp of approval: the thong. And, really, it doesn’t get more hygienic than a strip of Polyurethane flossing your butt crack.


Here’s a can’t-miss option: the men’s bathing suit. You never hear about the government trying to strip men of their right to wear whichever swimsuit they want, so they must be as pure as the driven snow! As the displayed swimsuits clearly demonstrate.


Think outside the sartorial box by considering a children’s bathing suit. Just look at those beachgoers above — with whom would you rather share the water: the woman clothed in the head-to-toe burkini or the kid who most certainly would never do something unsanitary like pee or poop in his trunks? Yeah, EXACTLY.


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Candy Kirby is a "smug white liberal," according to a conservative blog that gets her, and comedy writer who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. Prior to launching her own site, Candy was a humor writer for outlets such as Reductress, Redbook, HelloGiggles, Disney and Nickelodeon. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two munchkins and three rescue Persian cats, Lucy, Larry and Lola, who are the real brains behind this operation. (So send all complaints to them.)