Trump Assures the World That He’s Totally, Legitimately, 100% a Legend in His Own Mind

In his first TV interview since becoming president, Donald Trump showed the world that he’s not a narcissistic man-toddler (phew!), but rather a narcissistic mad man (bummer).

Some gems from his sit-down chat with ABC’s David Muir:

ON HIS SPEECH TO THE CIA:

TRUMP: I got a standing ovation.In fact, they said it was the biggest standing ovation since Peyton Manning had won the Super Bowl and they said it was equal. I got a standing ovation. It lasted for a long period of time. What you do is take — take out your tape — you probably ran it live. I know when I do good speeches. I know when I do bad speeches. That speech was a total home run. They loved it. I could’ve …

MUIR: 

ON THE SIZE OF HIS INAUGURATION CROWD:

TRUMP: In terms of a total audience including television and everything else that you have we had supposedly the biggest crowd in history. The audience watching the show. And I think you would even agree to that. They say I had the biggest crowd in the history of inaugural speeches. I’m honored by that. But I didn’t bring it up. You just brought it up.

MUIR: 

ON TORTURE:

MUIR: You’re now the president. Do you want waterboarding?

TRUMP: I don’t want people to chop off the citizens or anybody’s heads in the Middle East. Okay? Because they’re Christian or Muslim or anything else. I don’t want — look, you are old enough to have seen a time that was much different. You never saw heads chopped off until a few years ago.

MUIR: 

ON TAKING OIL FROM IRAQ:

TRUMP: We should have taken the oil. You wouldn’t have ISIS if we took the oil. Now I wasn’t talking about it from the standpoint of ISIS because the way we got out was horrible. We created a vacuum and ISIS formed. But had we taken the oil something else would’ve very good happened. They would not have been able to fuel their rather unbelievable drive to destroy large portions of the world.

MUIR: You’ve heard the critics who say that would break all international law, taking the oil. But I wanna get to the words …

TRUMP: Wait, wait, can you believe that? Who are the critics who say that? Fools.

MUIR: Let, let me …

TRUMP: I don’t call them critics. I call them fools.

MUIR: 

 

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Candy

Candy Kirby is a "smug white liberal," according to a conservative blog that gets her, and comedy writer who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. Prior to launching her own site, Candy was a humor writer for outlets such as Reductress, Redbook, HelloGiggles, Disney and Nickelodeon. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two munchkins and three rescue Persian cats, Lucy, Larry and Lola, who are the real brains behind this operation. (So send all complaints to them.)