U.S. Lost Track of Terrorists After Snowden, Has No Idea Where to Send Their Holiday Cards Now


So after Edward Snowden ripped the cover off top-secret U.S. surveillance programs, foreign terrorists disappeared underground and out of intelligence services’ reach, reveals Matt Olsen, who until July led the National Counterterrorism Center.

So now where are we supposed to send their holiday cards? The terrorists are REALLY going to go on a tear when they miss my annual update about the family’s vacation in Ojai and how my son almost scored a goal in soccer practice.

“We’ve lost collection against some individuals, people that we were concerned about we are no longer collecting their communications,” Olsen told CNN’s Jim Sciutto. “We lost insight into what they were doing.”

Olsen said the revelations made public by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden had changed the way terrorists communicate, causing them to fall out of the U.S. government’s sight. Oops!

“They’ve changed how they encrypt their communications and adopted more stringent encryption techniques,” he said. “They’ve changed service providers and email addresses and they’ve, in some cases, just dropped off all together.”

Perhaps the U.S. needs to check out places and modes of communication where we NEVER think to look, like…

  • MySpace
  • terrorists@aol.com
  • My grandma’s rotary phone (she would let them inside as long as they listened to her talk about the contents of her day’s meals for an hour)
  • Detroit
  • The pantry (seriously, my kids NEVER think to look in there when we play Hide-N-Seek, even though that’s where I hide EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.)

YOU’RE WELCOME, National Counterterrorism Center!


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Candy Kirby is a "smug white liberal," according to a conservative blog that gets her, and comedy writer who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. Prior to launching her own site, Candy was a humor writer for outlets such as Reductress, Redbook, HelloGiggles, Disney and Nickelodeon. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two munchkins and three rescue Persian cats, Lucy, Larry and Lola, who are the real brains behind this operation. (So send all complaints to them.)